Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Sunday, 28 February 2021
Monday, 8 February 2021
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Friday, 12 November 2010
The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points here no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points here no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Go Leafs Go !!
What do the Leafs and the titanic have in common ?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice.
What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine ?
A: The vending machine has Players.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?
A: They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.
Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post ?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver.
Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team ?
A: Because then Toronto would want one .....
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto ?
A: None of them can play hockey.
What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley cup playoffs ?
A: The Toronto Maple Leafs.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have in common ?
A: They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard ?
A: Put up a goalie net.
What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley cup ring ?
A: A thief.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common ?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley cup ?
A: Nobody knows ... And we may never find out.
This guy says to the bartender, "can my dog and I watch the Toronto maple leafs hockey game here ? My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but its not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon the leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high five.
The bartender says, "wow, that's pretty cool ! What does he do when they win a game ?
The guy answers, "No idea, I've only had him for 3 years."
The last time the maple leafs won the Stanley cup most of their fans were in diapers.
Coincidentally, the next time they win it, those same fans will be back in diapers again !
A: They both look good until they hit the ice.
What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine ?
A: The vending machine has Players.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?
A: They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.
Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post ?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver.
Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team ?
A: Because then Toronto would want one .....
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto ?
A: None of them can play hockey.
What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley cup playoffs ?
A: The Toronto Maple Leafs.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have in common ?
A: They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard ?
A: Put up a goalie net.
What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley cup ring ?
A: A thief.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common ?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley cup ?
A: Nobody knows ... And we may never find out.
This guy says to the bartender, "can my dog and I watch the Toronto maple leafs hockey game here ? My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but its not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon the leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high five.
The bartender says, "wow, that's pretty cool ! What does he do when they win a game ?
The guy answers, "No idea, I've only had him for 3 years."
The last time the maple leafs won the Stanley cup most of their fans were in diapers.
Coincidentally, the next time they win it, those same fans will be back in diapers again !
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
8 guys you need for a successful beer-league team...
It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in Canada: summer and hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the former starts with the hoisting of the Stanley Cup, as fans in an American city celebrate. The latter officially kicks off after Labour Day weekend.
In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season. Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like 'Old Puckers', 'Rusty Blades', 'Just the Tips' and 'Nine-Inch Males,' but don't be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player
categories:
Which one are you???
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the 'DD' Division title.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. 'Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift.'
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season. Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like 'Old Puckers', 'Rusty Blades', 'Just the Tips' and 'Nine-Inch Males,' but don't be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player
categories:
Which one are you???
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the 'DD' Division title.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. 'Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift.'
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
So your having a bad day !!!
This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from North Africa .
So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:
You could look like a dick with buck teeth.
So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:
You could look like a dick with buck teeth.
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
To My Dear Wife
"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference........18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference........18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
Wednesday, 31 October 2007
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
Don't Judge to quickly
Things are not always what they seem!!!
(click the play button twice - and be patient)
(click the play button twice - and be patient)
Friday, 28 September 2007
The Red Head
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been so incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . .
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been so incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . .
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
Fairy Tale
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag or bitch.......
But this was a long long long time ago.....
and it was just the ONE day.
The End
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
Toronto High School Exan
Concerned about the failing levels of achievement in the high schools of
Toronto, the Toronto District School Board has directed teachers to adjust
their lessons to reflect on the unique cultural mosaic of the classrooms
and current standards of Toronto society.
Toronto High School Math Exam
NAME:___________________ NICK-NAME:______________
GANG:_____________________
1. Sandhar has half a kilo of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Ranjit for $300 and 90 grams to Avtar for $90 a gram, what is the street value of he rest of his hold?
2. Tyrone pimps 3 whores. If the price is $40 a trick, how many tricks per day must each whore perform to support Tyrone's $500 a day crack habit?
3. Lo Ping wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for $7000 to make 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
4. Tony got 4 years for murder. He also received $350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends $33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? (Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Tony get for killing the bitch that spent his money?)
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Kwok steals Hareem's skateboard. As Kwok skates away at a speed of 35 kph, Hareem loads his brother's piece. If it takes Hareem 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Kwok have travelled when he gets whacked?
Toronto, the Toronto District School Board has directed teachers to adjust
their lessons to reflect on the unique cultural mosaic of the classrooms
and current standards of Toronto society.
Toronto High School Math Exam
NAME:___________________ NICK-NAME:______________
GANG:_____________________
1. Sandhar has half a kilo of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Ranjit for $300 and 90 grams to Avtar for $90 a gram, what is the street value of he rest of his hold?
2. Tyrone pimps 3 whores. If the price is $40 a trick, how many tricks per day must each whore perform to support Tyrone's $500 a day crack habit?
3. Lo Ping wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for $7000 to make 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
4. Tony got 4 years for murder. He also received $350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends $33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? (Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Tony get for killing the bitch that spent his money?)
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Kwok steals Hareem's skateboard. As Kwok skates away at a speed of 35 kph, Hareem loads his brother's piece. If it takes Hareem 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Kwok have travelled when he gets whacked?
Married for one night
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*ckin blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*ckin blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
When Hockey Meets Baseball
As we approach both the beginning of ball season and Hockey playoffs are in full swing I submit this beauty!
http://attaboy.ca/archives/2007/02/000986.php
http://attaboy.ca/archives/2007/02/000986.php
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